Unwise
by Empatheia
Summary: [Renji x Rukia] It was all and always the river's fault.


**A/N: **For **Aviss**, for the February round of Bleach flashfic on LiveJournal. Enjoy!

**xoxoxox**

_**Unwise**_

**xoxoxox**

It was the river's fault.

If ever anyone asked him later, years later even, that was what he would say.

The river made him do it, the river that swirled around her and clung to her clothing like a provocative child-goddess, making it stick to her shining, water-slick skin.

The river that hung in droplets of silver and crystal in her hair, glowing mandarin-crimson with the ferocious sunset.

The river that reflected her a thousand times in every direction, making it impossible for him to see anything but her.

That river which surrounded her with glimmering snow-pink flowers and soaked her with itself until she smelled of lilies again.

Oh yes, it was the river's fault, and he would never be swayed in this.

xoxoxox

Over the years, he made several decisions regarding Kuchiki Rukia, none of them particularly wise. Wisdom was not his thing anyway, what warrior had use for something so academic? He did what his instincts told him to, but even he had to admit they weren't always right.

For instance, the decision to let her go when the Kuchiki family came for her.

Fundamentally unwise. He understood that even as he made it.

However, there were different sorts of wisdom. There was the wisdom that would lead to him being happy, the wisdom to make good selfish decisions. That was the sort he didn't seem to have.

Then there was selfless wisdom, the sort that showed him decisions that would make her happy, his heart bedamned. This he had in spades, but nobody really called it wisdom so neither did he.

Therefore, when they came for her, he smiled and congratulated her and made ridiculous small talk, hoping she would smile with him and confirm that he'd made the right decision.

She didn't. She cried, and flew away, a raven with white wings... a harbinger of eternal grief.

The tears didn't last long, though, and soon enough she was quiet and comfortable in her life again, this time without him. He pretended to her face that he didn't mind being just ranking officer for her to jokingly disrespect. He smiled and quietly protected her from the shadows. It wasn't like he had anything better to do anyway.

Another decision: the one to accept the position under the sixth squad captain. He never really remembered afterward what he'd been thinking... perhaps that by serving under her adoptive brother, he would be in a place near her that she could not push him out of? In any case, unwise. All it meant was that he got a special front row seat to the show. He got to see up close how Rukia's sister superimposed itself over Byakuya's eyes whenever he got close to her. All it meant was that he was allowed to watch Rukia be invisible to the brother she adored day in and day out, and subsequently watch her split right down the center a few more inches every time.

She wouldn't accept his comfort, he knew, so he didn't really even try even though he would have traded in his soul slayer and badge for the chance to make her happy. Perhaps a few limbs in the bargain too.

Then came the boy and everything that came with him. Rukia adored him on sight, Renji could tell. Like the rest of it, he pretended that didn't hurt either. He threw her in prison as ordered and waited for Byakuya to save her.

When it became clear that he wasn't going to, Renji wasn't sure what to do. So he made another decision, and thought _fuck the consequences_.

He didn't win, but Byakuya threw that stupid girly scarf on him like it meant something special. Maybe it did. It didn't really matter much to Renji, though, because Rukia was still giong to die, scarf or no scarf.

For the next endless hours, he existed in a perpetual state of screaming horror, knowing that he could do nothing to save her. The river had ensured that he could not forget her or turn away, not ever, but what was he supposed to do now when he couldn't do anything?

Thankfully, there was Ichigo. It grated on Renji so, so badly to have him save Rukia in his place, but he'd kept his promise and Renji owed him more than life for that. It had hurt so much to ask him-- no, _beg_ him-- to save Rukia because he couldn't, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Rukia was alive and that was worth more than his pride to him.

The next unwise decision he made was his favourite.

It was the river, again. Fucking river.

"Do you remember this place, Renji?" she yelled back to him, sinking into the water up to her shoulders so that the current would carry the floating dew-pink flowers right into her arms. There was a smile on her face wider and purer than any he'd seen since she'd last been in the river like this.

His chest crumpled and broke a little bit to watch her, because she had no idea and probably never would. Unless, of course, he did something to demonstrate to her what she did to him, what she meant to him, what she was for him. He didn't plan to.

Hadn't planned to.

But suddenly, there was a thin white arm latched onto his sleeve and he was tipping into the water, so lost in thought he hadn't noticed until the shock of cold hit his face. Then he flailed and spluttered, bogged down by miles of black uniform and seventeen pounds of sword.

Rukia laughed delightedly, leaping on his shoulders to dunk him again, more thoroughly this time.

He inhaled a mouthful of sweet river water. It even _tasted_ like lilies. And then, when he spluttered it painfully back up, the taste got all up in his nose and his eyes and everything in all his sense was all fricking lilies. What the hell.

Renji yelled at her, something lame and mostly unintelligible. He sucked with words anyway. What good warrior had a use for stupid words? Stupid words like _I love you_ and _please stay_. Yeah, useless. Useless and sappy and dumb, she'd just laugh at him if he said them so he took the proffered opportunity to shut up and kiss her instead.

She was so fucking tiny in his arms. Like a bendy little plum sapling. He wondered if she'd snap if he held on too hard, and decided after a minute that she probably wouldn't unless he actually meant to snap her, which he wouldn't ever so worrying was stupid and useless too.

Rukia didn't taste like lilies. She tasted like... like... shit, he was bad at metaphors but it made him think of warm rain and white thunderheads and snow and melting frost on windowpanes.

She had her thin little hands all twisted up in his hair. He was sure the tie for it was floating off down the river but honestly couldn't care less if he had to spend the next three days shopping Rukongai for another one that was big enough to hold all his hair in without snapping after one good fight.

The currents pushed her into him, so he dug his heels into the riverbed and let her stream around and through him, let her crawl into him and have a look around at the inside of his heart.

Suddenly, she pushed his face away, white fingers pressing into his cheeks and eyes. "Renji," she said, sounding indefinably terrible.

He made a sound that indicated she should continue, since his capability for normal human speech had drifted off with his hair tie.

"I'm really stupid, aren't I," she said, voice full of dawning realization.

He wondered what about. "No," he answered, truthfully enough, and curled himself around her to kiss her some more before she realized what was happening and flew away again.

"No," she said, pushing him back again, "I am. I really am a complete and utter idiot."

"Why?" he asked, mystified.

She stared up at him, hands still all over his face and legs still wrapped around his waist. Her eyes were huge and water-dark. She shook her head. "Renji. I'm sorry." Then she slid her hands around his head to pull him down to her, swallowing him up and innocently drowning him.

A little while after that, she left Soul Society, and he was chosen to go with her. The reason he was given was that he was 'closest to Kuchiki Rukia' among all the other shinigami. They didn't know why that split his face into a huge joyous grin, or why he was so happy to follow orders for once in his life. He really didn't plan to tell them, but god it was sweet.

It almost made it all right for him to watch her love the orange-haired brat as much as she did. He was so young and so obnoxiously powerful, but Renji couldn't really hold it against him.

After all, Ichigo would never have his memories of the river. He might make others, sure, better ones even... but the river would always be Renji's.

Like he planned to say if anyone ever asked him why he loved her so much... it was all and always the river's fault.

**XxxxxxX**


End file.
